In the meantime, I'm dead. Not literally, obviously, but I sincerely believe that I'm getting there. At least my fever (which I had until an hour or so ago, starting yesterday morning) has subsided. My throat has apparently decided to pick up the slack though, by hurting like a beast.
I'm just going to assume I have The Plague. Hopefully, it won't spread through the internet? Who knows, Google Virus could exist.